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Losing My Father

November 3, 2018

I was born on November 12th 1963 to Clara and Ronald at Grant Hospital in Columbus, Ohio.  I don’t remember much about being a baby or even being a young child  What I do remember is a lot of times my father not being there.  My dad was gone a lot of the the time either for work or ministry.  When he was home there were times I remember him and my mother arguing, or fighting.  They would do it downstairs when they thought we were upstair asleep in our rooms, or they would do it in their room when we were out playing or they thought we weren’t in ear shot.  I say we, because of my older brother and sister.  They divorced when I was around 9 years old.

I can say my father,  his family were considered semiwealthy owning a good business and being of an upper class Black family in the late 60s, 70s, mid80s.  When my parents divorced my mother had to fight to get a little something a month to help with the bills.  She got $25/month for each of us.  We were so poor, that didn’t cover rent, food, utilities, etc. I remember her working 2 jobs and buying foodstamps in order to keep it together for us.  We had to go to school with old clothes.   My grandparents helped us when they could even though it was their sons job.  They told us of our inheritence, college funds set up, that we would not have to want too much to get us started in life…but after my grandmother Cona passed, and somewhere after in the late 80s to 90s after my grandfather got sick and began to  decline my stepmother kind of took over and I sort of lost my dad, everything, the business, our inheritance disappeared, the relationships all went downhill completely.  I watched as my father got further and further away from me as I and he got older.  The more I reached out, the more it seemed he was controlled and/or islollated from his biological children.

Through the years we watched as we were kicked out of the business our ideas which would have made it one of the top in the city put down… We watch as stepchildren went to college with what was our funds and we had to fund our education ourselves.  Watched as they drove our grandparents cars, lived in their house, wore their fine furs, jewelry, used their stuff that was our inheritance while we looked from the outside unable to do nothing, while my father did nothing to include us his biological family.  I watch stepsisters grow up, have families, children, my father know them, but not his own biological grandchildren, or greatgrandchildren.  It is sad, now about a month ago his wife passed away, and he is in the 1st stages of dimenta, he is living in Virgina with his stepdaughter, spending most of his day in a care facility, not with any of his biological children who do love and want him to live with them. His assets house, accounts are being managed by people not his biological family.  It is like we are dead to him and he to us, even though he says he loves us.  He has always said he loves us… so if he loves us, has always loved us…he has never really proven his love in action, in responsibility, in getting to know his family, children, grandchildren or greatgrandchildren.

How many men are in this world who fit this profile?  I am sure there are many and I am not alone to have a father like this.  I am getting ready to turn 55 years old and I want my father, but it is like he is dead already.  I am hating it.  I can’t even get close to him, have a meeting to see if it is really his choice, that he wants this… or was this pushed upon him by others… This is a hard thing.


NO More Dieting

January 14, 2017

Most of my life I have been dieting.  I was born an 8 1/2 pound baby.  My mother used to joke saying I came out asking, “where was the groceries.”  I was always a healthy child with a belly.   In childhood I ate what was placed before me, I was told to eat because there were children in other parts of the world starving, etc, etc.  You know the drill.  Then yelled at or made fun of for being fat.  I was always seeing some dietitian, doctor, or therapist to see what was wrong with Cate, why is she fat and keeps gaining weight.  Well, I was growing also.

I grew into a 5’6 athletic person with a large frame.  I took dance, gymnastics, karate, played softball, volleyball,  was on a swim team, drill team/cheer squad, wrestled, and power lifted all in an effort to keep my weight down and body in shape through the years.

As I got older and arthritis started setting in, I was not in school any longer being active, but out in the work a day world, the weight came back on.  One day while doing construction work I got hurt.  While recovering I got to my highest weight of 445lbs.  I was paralyzed over most of my body for a time and it would take several years to recover (my late 20’s early 30’s).  I got depressed and put the weight on.  I had help from well meaning enablers too.  After recovering I got down to 230 pounds.  So in my late 30’s I was this weight.  I moved to NYC where one does a lot of walking and I was able to keep the weight off.  As I drew toward my mid 40’s arthritis once again got hold of my knees forcing me to get replacements, and before I could get left knee replaced the leg got crushed in an accident.  I got not just a knee, but metal rods put in the leg, and a replacement in the right.  My weight went up over 300lbs.  In 2009 and 2010 I got the operations. Full recovery was to be 2 years per leg. I decided to just try to eat right for my body type.

Last year 2016 I weighed in at about 335lbs my goal by 2017 was to lose 50 pounds and I did it. I am under 300lbs.  I did not diet.  I just tweaked a few things.  I eat a more plant based diet.  One can say that I eat a ayurveda/paleo style diet for my body type. I plan to lose another 50 this year if not more. I am very spiritual and listen to do what is right for my body by the spirit.  I do about 85/15 vegetable/animal intake. My body was not made to be vegan.  Sorry to you all who are.  Do you.  I will do what is right for me.

I don’t do a lot of denying myself stuff, but I don’t have daily bad eating habits either.  I have an occasional Pepsi or Coke, candy bar or donuts, but not daily.  Sugar is not the best thing for me because I am hypoglycemic.  Sugar causes my sugar to drop.  I need protein to maintain healthy blood sugar levels, so I must have a high protein, low simple carbohydrate intake.  I can have plenty of complex carbohydrates.  So what I am saying is learn what is right for you and your body, then you will start seeing results without dieting.  Get off the roller coaster, and get into life. Learn to eat to live, and enjoy what you eat.


Random free writing thoughs

September 5, 2013

I am getting ready to turn 50 in November.  My existence seems to have gone through several different stages along the way since birth.  Most of my thoughts and beliefs were shaped when a child by my parents and grandparents spiritual beliefs.  I was taught and told how to think even though I had my own thinking and thought pattern ingrained already in me.  I had to learn how to integrate the 2.  I am an old soul.  I have been here several life times before.  The 1st of what I can remember a merchant sailor, business man on the Mediterranean sea.  We I see stories of this era, I can so relate.  There are other time periods of which I relate of which I have had lives.  I want to write stories about them all.  I have been away from my writing for a long period of time, and also my reading.  I have been stuck.  Right now in this life things are moving slowly for me.  I am unemployed.  I am living off a very small income, my mother passed away in June and my car died.  Life happens.  It seems that when ever my life is on a good track, going well, something happen to impact it negatively.  I hate being used to this; expecting the unexpected.  Sometimes I see what others have, how their life is going, people I have known for a long time, and ask “Why can’t things go for me like it is for them.”  I have to accept my lot in life.

This is just random writing, random blogging, but at least I am writing.  Sometimes I feel so dumpy.  Like a big fat blob with no real prospects, or no life.  Sometimes I feel that it would be better if I were not in this life. then something positive happens after a drought of blah.  Well  I will find some subject to write about.  A good story, or quip.  Free writing, saying what is ever on ones mind, just letting the fingers flow over the keys.  This is what I am doing now.  So here I am, me.  Like it or not.

SoLFoL Closure

January 18, 2013

I have been waiting for some sign of closure to a relationship that started around April of 2011 and ended abruptly in November of the same year.  It has taken me on such a journey of emotions especially when I found out I was not the only one treated in the manner I was.  In order for me to find some closure all I wanted was an apology.  Plan and simple right?  Not so easy.  It wasn’t until my old friend hurt several people in simialr ways with his behavior did he come out with a public apology on FB. It wasn’t on an individual basis as some would have liked, but an apology to the masses of friends he hurt with his behavior is better then nothing.  I can see when the behavior was a lot of the times done in the public eye and also gossiped among common friends.  Here is said apology:

Dear Family and Friends, this feels like a good day to express gratitude to all of you. Despite my easy-going nature, I’m not an easy person to love or be friends with. I’m sort of herkyjerky about relationships, inconsistent in my attention to things and reinventing myself on a cyclical basis. I’m not sure I will ever change either, since this has been the pattern of my life since I arrived here. I’ve started ten times more projects that I have ever completed, moved more times that I can count and left in my wake some broken relationships, missed opportunities and burned bridges. Human life baffles me in general, and often I find that I have violated social etiquette or expectations after the fact. Honestly, I never intend to hurt anyone’s feeling but I know I have and for that I am sorry. It’s like I’ve been dropped into a foreign country and am muddling through until I get back home. But that’s not to excuse my behavior, many others may feel that way and do a much better job of coping than I. Really, this is just to say “Thank you and I love you” to my mother, father, sister and brother, to my dear Lxxxx and to you, my friends whom I call my “brothers and sisters”. I do appreciate you sticking with me. You make being here a joy and a learning experience, and if I have in any way touched your life for the better then it has made being human well worth the ride.  D.

I have waited since November of 2011 for an apology of some kind and now I have it.  I now have some kind of closure to this relationship and I feel peace.  It still doesn’t excuse the behavior, I still wish I could have punched, maimed or hurt him in some way physically, but then I would have lowered myself to his level.  It is finished and done with.  January of 2013.  Tiime to more forward.

New Season

April 24, 2012

Spring 2012 is a new season in my life.  I am trying to move forward from some devastating things that happened between September of 2011 to January of 2012.

One thing I can say is that I am a survivor.  Not much keeps me down or bound.  If something happens that is negative, I try at all cost to pick myself up as soon as possible and move forward.  It is not hard, but from lessons learned in the past, it is the best thing for me to do.  Way back in the past, I have gone to the dark place, let myself be drugged by doctors, and stayed for long periods of time.  I find it is not worth it.  I have not been in that dark place since the late 1990’s.  I have tried to stay in more positive side and in the light places.  I am in control, and the captain of my own destiny.  I keep my own power, not letting others rule, or take control of me.  I am the product of my own choices.

It is Spring 2012.  I am gardening with friend from my Nemenhah chapter of Condor Eagle  in Southeast Ohio, not to far from Columbus.  Its a 20 minute ride down RT. 62.  I am loving it and it is healing to me.  I am also fellow shipping with ISKCON:  The International Society for Krishna Consciousness and I am enjoying it.  The people, devotees are so nice.  I love the way they worship God.  They are not stuffy, arrogant, snobbish, judgmental, or harp on how one looks.  It is such a breath of fresh air from the Christian church.   I help cook from time to time for pershadom, or the vegetarian feasts.

I am trying to work out my path for the year to come.  Only the Father knows what it is truly to be and I am praying he leads the way.  The Mother Shehkina, Holy Spirit nurtures and guides me.  The Son, Jesus teaches me love and treatment of others.  I am truly blessed.

After what has happened in the recent past, part of me just wanted to give up, go hide and just let life pass me by.  I know better.  After hearing of my resilience and strength of which I didn’t know others were watching so closely, I had actually blessed and helped others be strong by my Faith, actions and reactions during that period.    It is only by the Grace of God, I got through it a little battle scared, but no worse for wear.  One thing, I had good friends, especially my bff Mel.  Without her patience and help, and God speaking to her, I would not have been so strong.  She is my Angel.  I do not know if she knows just how much I appreciate her.  I feel so blessed to have a friend like her.

I am working on me.  I have to reduce my weight.  I have to strengthen my Spirit.  I need physical strength.  I need to get some writing and other work done.  I am moving forward.  My life is getting better.  I am going to do and receive good things.  I am going into higher realms.  I do love life.  Nameste

I Need A New Church

April 4, 2012

Last summer I got ostracized from my church of almost 20yrs after starting seminary with the Council of Native American Churches and dropping out of their bible school.  I also looked into the ancient Vedic scriptures and teachings, which are older then the bible.  I tried to get an appointment with my Pastor, but he would not sit down to talk with me.  This was very Christ like of him….NOT!  I do have 2 ministry organizations that I work and associate with, but not a set Christian church I am a part of right now.  So I am seeking.  I find that my ministry and knowledge are being enhanced, and I am a better witness for God, knowing how others praise and worship.  I feel enhanced, not lead astray, like some think.  I am out of the box.  I can associate with East Indians, Native Americans, Islam, and other religions by knowing and learning of them…we all worship the same main God.  This takes nothing away from the teachings of Jesus, but these religions teach about Jesus and tell their people to also follow his teachings.  People are scared of learning this for some odd reason.

I am now seeking a church.  I am not a hypocrite, to where I just go because its what to do on Sundays.  I go when I feel I need to go in my spirit.  If I don’t feel like going, I don’t.  It is draining to go and be bored or go and not really want to be there.  How many people are sitting in churches Sunday, after Sunday and the hearts and minds are someplace else?  Another thing, I don’t believe one should always give money to the churches.  Tithes and offerings can be given elsewhere, and into things one feels in their spirit, their heart, they should place the funds.  I give to my ministry organizations, that I work with.  Is this wrong?  Only God can judge this.  I do not want to feel that I am giving because some man on a platform keeps drilling into the people week after week on doing so.  We can all read the word for ourselves I know for one, I don’t need to be reminded constantly.  After a while, you see on peoples faces in the pews or seats, “Oh No, he is going to give a mini-sermon on tithes and offerings.”  One can see the countenances go down.  Those that are smiling are putting on their best holy fake smile.  I am tired of going through this.  So if any one knows of a good, genuine, non-judgmental, non-denominational, full-gospel church in Central Ohio, by all means let me know.  One I don’t have to dress up at or feel I am in a fashion show, or break out my best college theological brain.  I just want some good positive word, a good based to where I can come and go as I please, and not some mega money church either.  I love a simple, sweet, essence of the word.  No pressures, no judgements.  Also a good praise and worship service would be nice also.


March 22, 2012

I have been moving forward.  One has to start somewhere.  Everyday is a new day.  In late Fall I had a blow that lead to the flu, then after that I was physically sick and heart broken until February. It was like everything that could go wrong in my life did.  But, by the grace of God, I got through it. 

Now Spring is here and I am moving forward into a new place in my life.  Some things are here for a season and some for a reason.  I have seen some visions of my past lives and I know why things have happened in my life at the present.  I am not sad or mad, but somewhat content.  I know why things have happened the way they did.  And now I can get on with the good things that are coming.  I have been stagnant for a while, but it is time to get a move on and live.  There is a lot of life out there to live.

My Medicine

February 22, 2012

I am a writer.  I have been a writer a person that journals since I have been a teenager.  One day I went to therapy after problems with my parents divorce and the therapist suggested that I keep a journal.  He said if I got things out of my head and down on paper, it would not seem so bad later or dramatic.  So I stated writing.  No need for drugs, medication, alcohol, or any habitual device, because pen, pencil and paper, now a blog is my medicine a way of healing.

I have left some stories open to the public to read, and some I have had to make private from the wrong eyes taking offence.  One of my Spiritual Leaders suggested that I make my writing part of my medicine, my bundle in the Indigenous sence.  That way no one, no opinion can come against my words.  I should do ceremony, prayers and protections over it, that way no curses and evil will triumph over my words.  I am doing  just that.  So now my writings will become a sacred part of me.  My history, my truth so to speak.  No one can dictate what I can and can not write if it is my medicine. There is in our National, Constitution of the USA, freedom of speech.  So no one should dictate what I write anyway.  No whys, wherefores or reasons.  My words, stories, be they fact, fiction, truth or lies are my own.  No one has to like them, I don’t even like some of the things I write because they are from my dark  shadow side.  They need to come out of me and be expressed.  How many people have things pent-up inside of them needing to come out but just have no known outlet to vent.  If they would have just used a blog or journal, then a sociopath could become a novelist.  Look at Stephen King…most of his stories he said in an interview once come from his own thoughts and dreams which he expressed.  Quite a few of his stories are very dark.

So if you want to get to know my pain, suffering, likes, dislikes and things that go on in my life, my experiences, then you are welcome to read my blogs.  If you take anything personally then I am sorry you did, for it is not meant to hurt anyone, but to heal me.  This is MY MEDICINE.  You have to find what is yours and do what is right for you.  My stories/ writings can be fact or fiction, I will not say whiter a story is or isn’t, I don’t have to for it is my own, my venting, what is in my head.  If you have a problem, it is your problem and maybe you should deal with it on your own terms or page.  I just say thank you for stopping by and getting to know me better.  Thank you for reading. Know that true happiness comes from inside, from Spirit and from the source of all good in the universe. …Namaste

The One Thing That Keeps Aluding Me

July 4, 2011

Going through different moods, emotions, thoughts jump, run, and dance in my head.

Feeling like I am up, down, going around in circles, and at times flying high, soaring above everything.

The happenings, movement, days, nights and weekends run together in a whirlwind of activity.

Work, fun, outings, instruments, classes together, separate, the same, such is life.

We eat, drink, smoke, dance, play, work, and be.

Riding, talking, enjoying togetherness, company and the companionship that goes with being close.

How do I feel, How should I feel, when fibers of my being scream out in want.

Scripture says, “Thou Shall Not Want.”  But it seems I am always in wanting.

Getting so close, hairs breath always to what I want, desire, crave, and pray for.

So close that breath, energy, life, heat, and spirits connect…yet always a catch, always a chink, a thorn or wrench

Thrown in to keep me at bay.

It is not the others fault, but my experience, perception.


I live by a code of Faith not Fear…and will continue this belief.

I know everything is done for my eventual good

But why do I have to continue to wait for one thing in life that I have most desired?  Why God? Universe? Gaia?

I Minister, serve, do be, pay forward.

Positivity, energy I give out with lavishness, seeking a higher plane paying it forward at every available bend or fork in the road.

Staying busy, busy, busy, to where there are days of exhaustion.

Thought always go back to one thing…the where is mine…where is the one thing I have been praying for since I was old enough to want such?

I see it happen for others at a touch…they pair up, love, laugh, play, and frolic like bunnies.

It is seems to always be just out of reach for me… several times it was almost mine…engagements, longterm relationships, lovers, friends.

Something happens that it is not lasting…a death, quirk, argument, misunderstanding, family but ins, they find someone else…

Then there is the part where I am a friend, always a friend, buddy, pal…or FWBs…WTF!…WTH!…just not right.

I wait…I stand…I live…I go…I continue…I hold on to the Faith that one day that thing that is a hares breath away,

The thing that seems to get others but alludes me like a plague, the one thing I crave other then God in this life will find me, grab hold of me and shake me to my core to where I am in want no more.

I will see the eyes, feel the touch, graze the brow, the energy, heat, smell, and fibers of being will explode in rapture…

I have faith it is yet to be mine…I will hold on…I will wait…I will continue…

Until IT comes to me.

A Happy Healither Me

January 5, 2011

I have been wondering about having a new years resolution for 2011.  I have resolved not to make any.  I will concentrate this new year on just working on being a Happy, Healthier, Me.  I am not starting or going on any more diets.  I am not starting or going on anyone exercise plan.  I am going to try to follow my doctors order and eat healthier, walk, swim and make good food choices, and use portion control.

I am going to be a better me.  I want to think more positive thoughts, speak positive words, and have Faith in my Higher Power to guide me in all truth.  I will treat people as I want to be treated.  I will do good deeds when I have the opportunity.  I will do my job everyday with excellence in mind.

When I go out of my home, I want to look clean, neat, and crisp.  I want to put my best foot forward at all times.  I want to always try to have a smile on my face no matter what I am feeling like on the inside.

I know that tough times do not always last, but tough people do.  This is going to be one of the best years of my life.  I hope to do a lot of positive things and live life to the fullest when ever I can.  Live, Laugh, and Love.  Blessing, and Goodness.  Peace and Harmony is mine.