Archive for the ‘Life Issues’ Category

Finding Out Thoughts about me.

January 14, 2017

Since 2013 when my mother died, I have felt alone. My mother was the life line of the family, the one that held everything together, who knew all the news, and kept us a family. In this life there are many changes.    I have family, yes, but they have their own families, and lives.  They don’t much care about me except to criticize my spiritual practices, the assignment God gave me to do.

Once upon a time in the world family used to matter.  Family would take care of each other from birth until death, but now in this day and age they could care less.  I found out just what is thought of about me, and how much my family loves me this past summer when I was homeless and sick.  I know I have loved and given of myself more to them then they to me.  It is sad, but that is the way it is. I am alone.  I feel alone.  I had my mother, now she is gone.  My father is still alive, he will be 80 years old on his next birthday, but he has  own wife and life. He has never really been in my life or seemed like the cared about me.   I did see my father at Christmas, and he is so frail now.  He can barely walk up and down stairs. I have offered to help him and my stepmother, but they have turned me down over and over.

My older sister lives outside Atlanta, Georgia, my younger Alexandria, Virginia, my little brother in Zanesville, Ohio and my older in Columbus.  We don’t talk.  One time we were a close loving family until moms passing.  Now nothing hardly in almost 4 years.  I wish they thought about me sometime.  I send out cards and wishes but don’t get much back in return.  I wish they knew how much I love and care for them.

I write because I know there maybe just someone else who is going through the same type of things in life I go through.  I do make it through.  I don’t just sit around and sulk, I get out and live life.  I have a guy friend.  It is an open relationship, we have been together for a year.  He sees others occasionally.  I could also, but have not found anyone I like.  Maybe soon as I  lose weight and gain confidence.  I have not gone out in a while, but I think I will be doing so again soon.  I need to mingle and meet more people.  I am living my life.

 

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SoLFoL Closure

January 18, 2013

I have been waiting for some sign of closure to a relationship that started around April of 2011 and ended abruptly in November of the same year.  It has taken me on such a journey of emotions especially when I found out I was not the only one treated in the manner I was.  In order for me to find some closure all I wanted was an apology.  Plan and simple right?  Not so easy.  It wasn’t until my old friend hurt several people in simialr ways with his behavior did he come out with a public apology on FB. It wasn’t on an individual basis as some would have liked, but an apology to the masses of friends he hurt with his behavior is better then nothing.  I can see when the behavior was a lot of the times done in the public eye and also gossiped among common friends.  Here is said apology:

Dear Family and Friends, this feels like a good day to express gratitude to all of you. Despite my easy-going nature, I’m not an easy person to love or be friends with. I’m sort of herkyjerky about relationships, inconsistent in my attention to things and reinventing myself on a cyclical basis. I’m not sure I will ever change either, since this has been the pattern of my life since I arrived here. I’ve started ten times more projects that I have ever completed, moved more times that I can count and left in my wake some broken relationships, missed opportunities and burned bridges. Human life baffles me in general, and often I find that I have violated social etiquette or expectations after the fact. Honestly, I never intend to hurt anyone’s feeling but I know I have and for that I am sorry. It’s like I’ve been dropped into a foreign country and am muddling through until I get back home. But that’s not to excuse my behavior, many others may feel that way and do a much better job of coping than I. Really, this is just to say “Thank you and I love you” to my mother, father, sister and brother, to my dear Lxxxx and to you, my friends whom I call my “brothers and sisters”. I do appreciate you sticking with me. You make being here a joy and a learning experience, and if I have in any way touched your life for the better then it has made being human well worth the ride.  D.

I have waited since November of 2011 for an apology of some kind and now I have it.  I now have some kind of closure to this relationship and I feel peace.  It still doesn’t excuse the behavior, I still wish I could have punched, maimed or hurt him in some way physically, but then I would have lowered myself to his level.  It is finished and done with.  January of 2013.  Tiime to more forward.

Real Life on the Edge, vs. The Fiscal Cliff

December 9, 2012

As the politicitions talk about the Fiscal Cliff, I wish I could get them to try to live like me and so many others who survive on less then $1000 a month. I survive by Faith and Grace. I know it is not the government who takes care of me and makes living possible it is God.
Since leaving NYC I have not been able to find a decent job. The one I did manage to find at Giant Eagle for 8 month had

me in so much pain, because the supervisor refused to comply with my hourly disability standing limitations, to where I went on medical leave and did not go back. Then in Sepetember of 2011, SSD decided to take away the little income they gave me with no explanation and I had to move in with friends until I was able to get it starighten, and get an apartment again this October.
How I am able to make it, is by the Grace of God.
He has graced me with good friends who still help me out, or let me help them so I can pay for food, and have a little pocket money. I have problems with my back, hands, and legs to where working full time is not an option. I will be looking for a permanent part time job after the 1st of the year, to help my income. More then likely I will try to go through a service that helps those with disabilities. As you all know Miss Positive doesn’t harp on her disabilities. You all mostly see my happy, up, friend, minister and counselor side. That dark side is there, I spend time with the Lord in meditation and prayer to keep it at bay.
Even though I don’t have much, I am glad that I am able to give little gifts and time to friends and family. I do feel blessed in spite of the circumstances. I don’t live above my means, but I do live above my circumstance. I am so Grateful.

SoLFoL Carried Over

October 22, 2012

This past summer I spent out of town thinking on what I wanted to do and where I belonged after going through so much hell and sickness last Fall through March.  I have finally gotten healed, and put the past losses behind me.  One down side of not being in my home state is that I missed the summer camping trips and drum circles with my friends. It was OK because I was doing meaningful ministry work with a group in WV and I was where I was supposed to be at the time.  Well, the guy that I was with all last summer who dumped me to go back to his ex-wife, then left her again after a few months of being back together, started a new friendship with a woman from one of the southeastern circles.  I thought this to be great.  I was glad he was finding happiness again.  We had put aside our differences, and were trying to be cordial, even friends again because we have some of the same friends.  I chose to love him as a brother and friend, since it didn’t workout the other way.  I was still upset within my core about the past, but was trying to leave the past in the past.  Sometimes hurt just doesn’t go away right away, it can take a bit of time, and I refused to be a victim and dwell on it.

This past Saturday I was invited down to the southeastern drum circle by my old guy friends girlfriend.  She even got another mutual friend to drive me down there.  The pretension was a night of drumming and fun, but I knew something else might be in this also..  Before I went I talked with another friend about going. We discussed what I might be in for and I figured as much.  She kind of wanted to know about my relationship with our now mutual guy friend.  I was also a bit curious about hr and their relationship also, because I know he had been down there all summer and by the pictures I had seen, he/they looked happy, and I was glad that life was going on nicely.  I am one who sincerely wants nothing but happiness for my friends believe it or not.

The start of the event we had fun drumming and watch the hooping, fire twirling, spinning and such.  We walked around took pictures and then we started chatting.  I was starting to wonder when the dialog was going to start.  I guess we were sizing each other up a little.  I found her to be a pleasant and lovely woman.  I liked her and was glad my guy friend found her.  I was told about the summer fling, it was nice while it lasted but he was not what she wanted for anything long-term, and he let her know he was still seeing his ex-wife on the side.  He never ever truly left his ex-wife, and was going back to her again.  This was a bit of surprise to her, but when I heard it, it was no surprise to me. She asked about my relationship with him and how we broke up, and I let her know.  She had seen pictures, but he had told her we were only traveling buddies, companions and that we never had a real relationship. Wow, now that was a surprise to me…a big lie. I told exactly what we had.  I let her know that we saw each other about 3 to 4 times a week, and if not that we talked on the phone.  We even did spiritual/ministry work together,  I consider him my best male friend, and he had told me I was his best female friend.  We were as close as any couple could be except we never had sex. I did not tell her the reason he gave me on this. I even told her he proposed to me a couple times, which he did, but I turned him down.  I did share with her the reasons why for this.  We agreed on those reasons, because she saw a side of him that wasn’t appealing to her.  We women have good intuition if we just learn to use it.  What surprised me so is what he told about me. Like we were nothing to each other.  Why?…why lie…I said we had agreed to an open relationship, and to be honest with each other when we wanted to be with someone else, but I was never told that he was seeing his ex-wife all along either until his ex-wife told me.because she wanted to know about our relationship, so I told her. Well, the evening ended with us having more fun drumming and I thought that would be the end of it.  Simple….No it wasn’t.

On Sunday morning there was drama…When I saw the pictures posted from the group, a phrase came to mind about history sort of repeating itself for my guy friend.  I made a joking comment about it on my wall on FB.  I didn’t write any names about who I was talking about because I didn’t want to embarrass anyone, and I was not being malicious.  Hurt or harm is never my intent, I can’t help another reaction to anything I do. Peoples reactions are their own,  If they chose to let something fester or take their power I have no control, especially when the intent behind it is only good fun.  It turned out my guy friend took offense to what I said about similar circumstance of me and his new girlfriend, and how history seems to keeps repeating itself for him, and he went on the defensive.  Him and the now ex-girlfriend talked, and he emphasized that he and I never had anything, that I was nothing to him.  This was so nice to know, even though there is over 100 pictures, and I remember 2011 as being the summer of love and such.  Why the lies again I don’t know when everyone knows what went on that were close to both of us. Now he thinks I am  trying to cause trouble for him, no, I am just wondering about the lies. Why would I, who am nothing to you, want to cause trouble? I let her know I only want for his happiness and I wish nothing but the best for him and his wife.  His ex-girlfriend, she just wants for his happiness also.  There is no reason to lie or get defensive unless one is guilty about somethng.. Then one usually tells on themselves, and let the words have power over them by not letting it go but dwell on what they did.  If he would have just told the truth, taken responsibility for his own actions and been true to himself, he would not have had to go on the defensive.  The ex-girlfriend didn’t care so much about the relationship as much as the type of person I was, my character what people said about me.  She likes me as much as I like her and the lies told her, which I think tried to make me look bad, did the opposite. I hope I have found a new friend.         I myself will try not to lie for anyone.  I told the truth, but the truth can not be handled some times by others, so drama in sued for a bit.  I was then un-friended by my guy friend and blocked on FB.  His reasoning is that he is tired of the drama (of which he caused), and just wants to try to work things out with his wife again and move on.  I was not the one who invited me down to the southeast drum circle, nor the one to provided the ride down, I am not the one who told the lies. If I am or was never anything to this guy friend, then so be it.  I will let him live his life in his delusional world and keep repeating his history. with relationships.  He has to face his own Krama until he gets it right or rights his wrongs.  If things don’t change in this life, he will have to face it in the next.  Maybe this is why he went back to his ex-wife again.  Maybe he is trying to work on getting that right or corrected.  But whatever the case, I do wish him well and much happiness.

One should know that true happiness comes from the inside out, and from Spirit not from a person or any outside source.  No matter what has been done or said to and about me, I forgive, will be his friend and there if and when he needs me.  I believe in unconditional love and the way of the Peace Maker Jesus. This is who I try to be like.  I am not perfect, and I will never be, because I am human.  But one thing, I am not a victim, I don’t blame others for my mistakes and I hope to always take responsibility when I do wrong or harm.  I want anyone that may read this to know I had no maliciousness or mean intention when I shared my relationship with his ex-wife or his ex-girlfriend. So in this I take no responsibility on how it was taken by him.  Why it was taken the wrong way is within him.  I wish more people would look within themselves more instead of blaming others or making others the scape goat.  Right is right and Wrong is wrong.

A Little Better

September 14, 2012

Trying to take my Lemons and make lemon aid.  I did get my income under control, of what I have.  I do have at least enough right that will be coming in next month to get an apartment again.  It will pay for apartment, utilities, and that maybe about it.  I will have to look for a part time job in order to have gas in my car or do anything else.  I am going to try to work on me, my health.  I have given and given to where I just want to do me for a while.  I don’t want to shut myself up or a way, I have friends and family I want to inner act with, but I am going to cut back on the helping of others.  When I help, do a lot of good it seems to be taken for granted.  I can tell, because let one thing go wrong, back fire so to speak, and all my previous good is forgotten, and all any one wants to hart or dwell on is that one bad thing.  I am not perfect, I am no angel,  Things are going to go wrong from time to time.  But why try to make someone feel like a smuck for the one wrong incident, treat them like dirt?  Can’t one remember all the previous good?  The  help given?  The love?  I don’t know what is wrong with people in this day and age where they are so blinded.  Its like they are looking for drama.  Looking for evil and wrong so they can dwell and harp on it, stay in that place.  What happened to helping others and forgiving if someone does something wrong?  Loving in spite of ? This society is so backward.

I myself have decided to move forward.  I am going to love unconditionally.  I am tired of people being so conditional.  Example:  I love you, but if you make a mistake, I am not going to like you anymore and want you out of my life for a while.  Then seeing others wrongs, but not taking responsibility for their own or their part.  Its all a double standard.

I have started over many times on my own.  I am a survivor.  I live by faith.  I am going to love others regardless of how they treat me.  I will always be here for those I call friends.  I always want to be like or emulate the Peace Maker Jesus.

Feeling Alone

September 12, 2012

Most of  my life I have tried to do good.  I have never hardly had an evil intent.  Where ever I go I try to shine a light, and do good.  I try to make where ever I am at a better place, or leave it better then when I found it.  I try to help others, I want to make their life better, even at the expense of my own betterment.  Sometimes I wonder about it all.  Why is it so hard for a good stable life to come to me?  Why can’t I have a home, a career, a family, or a good life?

It seems that every time I get in a good place where I think my life  is finally on track and I can start making some kind of plans, something happens to turn it all upside down.  Last September I lost my income and had to move from my apartment.  Now this September, something just happened and now I have to move again, to where I do not know, I don’t even have any money.  Something happened that is not really even my  fault.  I was trying to do good, a favor for some friends, but something bad happened.  Now all my good gone, up in smoke.  I can’t seem to get a break in this life.  Why do I even try to keep going, to live?  I just want to die sometimes.  I am tired of being poor, of not having a home, of not having some kind of regular career, or feeling like I have no people who love or care about me.  Sometimes I feel like I am so alone in this world.  I am homeless, jobless, and without proper funds or income right now.  I am not sure where I am going to go, or what I am going  to do next.  I am feeling all alone.  Right now at this moment I just want to die.  I am so tired.  I have no energy to do anything, or go anywhere.  I just want to die.  I just want to leave this present world.  Why is this life so conditional, people so conditional?  Something goes wrong, that is no ones fault, and life gets turned upside down.  I lose everything again.  I am the big loser…Where is my silver lining, my light, my rainbows end, my positive outcome?  Right now everything looks so dark.

What am I to do, where am I to go…I am just so physically and mentally tired.

Being Me, Authentic

February 22, 2012

When I meet people, try to make new friends, I am very upfront with them on who I am.  I try to express my opinions, morals, values, and even spirituality.  I want them to know the real me, and try to be transparent.  I ask them not to put me on any pedestal or make me out to be anything I am not because once they do, they will see my other sides.  I am also a multi- fauceted person.  There are many sides and layers.  What you see is what you get.  Just different.

I find that people still will not let you be yourself.  They talk about it, blog about it, want people to accept them for who and what they are, but then when it comes down to it, they don’t want to give others the same option.  They want to see them as something in their own minds eye, a fantasy or avatar figure.

I am only what God made me to be.  I have been trying most of my life to be who I was made to be even though Grandparets, Parents, Ministers, Teachers, and even Friends have tried to mold  me into what they wanted.

Being me is accepting the dark as well as the light side of me.  It is also accepting my writing, my ways of healing, and all aspects of my personality.  It is being unconditional…but there are always conditions, and judgements put on one anyway.  I try not to do this to people, I try to let them be themselves whither their behaviors are to my liking or not.  My friendship and love is unconditional.  Why can’t I seem to have the same.

I have lost so many friends, and been oustrasized from churches, family and friends for trying to be myself.  Trying to express myself the way I need and want.  People are always trying to tell me what I can and can not do, trying to put or keep me in some kind of mold, or idea they have or want for me.  Do you know if you cage or corner an animal in the wild it will fight back, strike out.  Well  I am striking back.  All I ask is to be accepted for me, the me I was made to be wither you personally like it or not.  Can we really try to be unconditional.  I am trying to be it with others, can’t they be it with me without strife, resentment, or lashing out, or being juvenille.  I am tired of burying my feelings, being hurt, being harmed, being taken advantage of.  Can’t I just be allowed to be me.

 

Summer of Love, Fall of Loss

February 20, 2012

In the last few months I have gotten to know a group of people who have really changed my life for the better.  In this group was a man, of which I had come to know well and love.  We would meet  at a social event every Saturday night from 9 pm to 1 am.  My 1st encounter with him was with my best friend at a coffee shop drum circle.  The 1st one we had on April 8th many came out to join us.  I met some from the over all group I was to be a part of.  1st full moon was coming, we went to another friends house,  out in in the country  for a drum circle and cook out it was nice.  There was one person at both, of which I took a liking to, because he was odd.  A guy who put on a weird popular styled  knit hat and danced with a drum, or another fur hat with feathers and danced making cawing noises like a crow.  I thought this guy nuts but for some reason liked him anyway, I was drawn to him.

As fate had it, we became good friends.  We both lived on the Westside.  Him North West, me South West, but along that 270 stretch between Broad street and Tuttle Crossing. In this, when going to the same destination in town, we decided to ride together.  I would go meet him at Tuttle Crossing, or he would come get me down my way.  This went on for a while, and continued  to where,  in riding together I got to know him, and he me.  I know both knew we found a kindred spirit and good friend in each other.

Around mid April we got a bump in the road to where we stopped riding together.  Someone became a part of the group to where they wanted me to be with them all the time.  I could not do anything or go anywhere without this person tagging along.  When I wanted to do something alone their feelings got hurt.  I could not say or write anything without their feelings getting hurt.  Something had to give because I was getting so frustrated.  Having them invite themselves out to a dinner I had planned with other friends.  Then embarrassing me by their unmannerly behavior.  Then on a special project I was to do, they decided to join in, so one day it all came to a head.  I got frustrated and even though I loved the friend very much, I was fed up.  I was very curt and assertive, we had to end the current dynamics of the relationship.  We still tried to work together but there was a definite tension as my friendship with this guy friend grew, the other friendship fell apart.  I had to just let it be.  There was nothing I could do.  So I moved on.  I resumed riding to my meetings, social events and such with the guy friend.  The other, has been since reconciled, but is distant.  But I can say the relationship with the guy grew and bloomed.

A friend once said if you think of someone often then you must like them very much.  I do like them, as a mater of fact love is not such a hard thing either.  I know, he has his issues, his ex-wife is not far off out of the picture.  He has been through some bad relationships to where he doesn’t want any anymore.  Sad the way people treat each other to where they don’t want to be bothered.  Then when the real deal comes along they may miss out because of the past bad experiences.  Well, I am a no pressure person.  I try to live an open honest life.  This is how I want my relationships.  Open.  One is free, completely.  Free to love, come and go as they please.  I am not a person who is clingy, needy, whinny, have to hug and kiss all the time.  I do like to touch and hug.  I will play with the hair, hold the hand, touch the leg, arm, back of neck or my favorite part is the ears.  Yes, I have an ear fetish.  Nothing is wrong with that.

I am also not a jealous or envious type of person, friend or lover.  I know what is mine, and I am secure in who I am, my abilities, and what my partner or friend is to me.  Why ruin it with petty, trifling feelings which show insecurity?

We hit a mile stone.  A weekend away together.  Went down to drum with some friends in Southern Ohio.  Slept in the same room, but not the same bed.  I had brought 2 blow up air camping mattresses, a queen single height and a twin double height.  He asked if I was sleeping down on the queen with him.  I declined cause I was going to take the single.  I later wondered about this, did he not mind sharing a bed.  As the weekend progressed we saw each at good and bad points.  It was nice to see some of the real person.  Soon we were seen by others as a couple. I started having stronger feelings, and even when I tried to talk to other guys, he was there in the back ground watching, being nosy hovering.  He even displayed signs of jealousy when I hung or lingered too long or flirted with a person.  He liked to take me away, once or twice kind of drag me away saying we had to go…Once it was even a “We have to go NOW!”

He would show signs of affection, hugs, kisses, small gifts.  We called each other and check in after a day of no contact.  It soon became more then just a mere friendship.  We knew each other in a very spiritual and metaphysical way I have not really known another guy.  Together we had a very strong energy.  It hit a place or room before either of us got in a door.    Somehow our work, identities, ministry, and social life got wrapped up in each other.  The whole summer was spent doing work together, having fun, and just being in each others company.  It was nice to feel like I had a best friend who I could do almost everything with.

I also tried to give this person their space, because that is the one thing he said lacked in any relationship he had.  He was always feeling smothered or controlled.  I wanted for nothing but his freedom and happiness.  We shared a whole lot.  I can say we shared quite a bit of our present lives with each other, I thought we were growing into something more and deep.  I started thinking maybe, if I am patient, this might be the one for me.  It was such a deep connection for me, even spiritual. He even spoke it to me to be patient with him, because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  In reality, I found out later after the fact that  we were not to be, but it was what it was.  It was all a nice illusion and a big fat lie.

October was to be our last nice weekend together.  We went to a drumming event in Peebles, Ohio, it was cold at times, but there was a big fire and we had a good time with those who ventured out and came.  It was nice sharing a tent, and cuddling for warmth in the 45 degree night.  Laughing like kids when funny things happened.  I loved having someone to share space with. Be with after not having someone for a long time.  The people we met with and hung with were wonderful.  The next gathering of the same group would not be until December at Serpent Mound.  So we made the most of the weekend.  I did not know it would be our last time of really having fun together.

The next weeks to come, he moved to a friends house.  He was to help get her house in order so it could be sold or rented.  He was to do small repairs and such.  We continued to do things together but it was getting further spaced.  I was only seeing him at meetings and the regular drum circles.  I wondered about the distance growing between us.  Just thought he needed some space.  I wanted to give him that.  I am not one to smother someone.  We being somewhat of companions or more then “Just friend,” I want to be respectful.  I am not the clingy sort.

Along the way of our relationship there has always been little red flags, things I noticed but let go as being part of a persons personality quirks, or in fact none of my business.  I am an open honest person, so I thought this other person was open with me.  I was wrong.  There were little excuses of why he had to keep seeing his ex-wife.  It was because of the dog…he missed her.  She was a good babysitter when he went out or away for a weekend.  Then there was her grandchildren…he was attached to them and he could not see them without her being present.   But all of a sudden out of no where one of our mutual friends was moving into the house of a friend where he was living.  The woman, another mutual friend, who owned the house, said my guy wasn’t there much any way and if wanted to still stay, I could use her room cause she spent weekends out of town.  Wow I thought, he is not at home much either.  Again a mutual friend told me he had without notice was spending more time with his ex-wife again without tell me.  Me, knowing he kept a sort of friendship, with her didn’t think much about it.  I let it go.

In November, I got a blow…everyone got the blow.  My guy the one I was in love with seeing the whole summer and beyond was going back, moving in with his ex-wife.  In fact he had never really stopped a relationship with her.  She later let me know everything.  I was in fact really nothing but a fling to him.  I was everything she was not, and he like having his cake so to speak and eating it also.  We did a lot together a couple does without having sex.  So much time and energy spent together.  So much effort I put into the relationship, time and energy on my part.  Just to be dumped like garbage with no thought or apology.  His reaction was that “We were only friends.”  He could not love me like I wanted…but he sure did take good and well advantage of my love and generosity.  He is and probably will always be a user and energy vampire.  I found out from some in his own family that he has been this way all his life.  He jumps from one thing to another, one relationship to another, never fully taking responsibility for anything in his life and using excuses at every turn.  His present ex-wife has been the only stability in his life.  He told me later he went back because it was what he knew and it was safe.  Thank you.

I have not talked in conversation with him since mid-December.  We have passed emails back and forth a couple times.  His ex-wife told me everything I needed to know.  And mutual friends have shared minimal things that they know.  I see this person off and on at social events but don’t have much to say to him anymore.  Our friendship is in an acquaintance state.  He never really apologized for any of his actions, leading me on, using me, or dragging me along in his fantasy.  When I look at him, I try to be nice, for our mutual friends sake.  To tell the truth I see a liar, cheat, and deceiver, along with his big stupid smile.  Now when I look at him, I only see the goofy, weird person I saw at the beginning in April of 2011, not someone different I was intrigued by, but now I am repelled by it, after finding out he is a fake and a charlatan.  I pray no other woman falls victim to him.  One of the last conversations I had with his ex-wife was that she was moving to a New England state getting a job there and didn’t know if she wanted to take him with her.  Well, I do think she know what kind of man he really is.  They have a co-dependent relationship…a can’t live with or without relationship.  It is really none of my business what he does now since he is sort of out of my life.

I can say I did love him.  I fell in love cause he was nice, charming, witty, funny, different, thought he was his own person, and I thought he was a spiritual person, knowing the things and will of God.  I got fooled, lead away to believe a big lie.  Used.  He doesn’t even seem to realize the damage caused, not just to me but to others in our circle of friends.  No one is talking or elaborating about it.  Everyone has gone on with life like nothing ever happened.  I still hold a touch or cringe in my crawl about it.  I forgave him, but I can’t seem to forget yet.  It touched me to my core.  Writing does help.  I know it is taking the help of God and the Holy Spirit to comfort me through this one.  Writing is my way of venting and I apologize to anyone offended or thinks I am talking about them.

No names are mentioned, just some places…if someone is offended by this it means you may have some reason to be guilty or defense…it is my story…my thoughts…my way of healing.