Archive for October, 2012

SoLFoL Carried Over

October 22, 2012

This past summer I spent out of town thinking on what I wanted to do and where I belonged after going through so much hell and sickness last Fall through March.  I have finally gotten healed, and put the past losses behind me.  One down side of not being in my home state is that I missed the summer camping trips and drum circles with my friends. It was OK because I was doing meaningful ministry work with a group in WV and I was where I was supposed to be at the time.  Well, the guy that I was with all last summer who dumped me to go back to his ex-wife, then left her again after a few months of being back together, started a new friendship with a woman from one of the southeastern circles.  I thought this to be great.  I was glad he was finding happiness again.  We had put aside our differences, and were trying to be cordial, even friends again because we have some of the same friends.  I chose to love him as a brother and friend, since it didn’t workout the other way.  I was still upset within my core about the past, but was trying to leave the past in the past.  Sometimes hurt just doesn’t go away right away, it can take a bit of time, and I refused to be a victim and dwell on it.

This past Saturday I was invited down to the southeastern drum circle by my old guy friends girlfriend.  She even got another mutual friend to drive me down there.  The pretension was a night of drumming and fun, but I knew something else might be in this also..  Before I went I talked with another friend about going. We discussed what I might be in for and I figured as much.  She kind of wanted to know about my relationship with our now mutual guy friend.  I was also a bit curious about hr and their relationship also, because I know he had been down there all summer and by the pictures I had seen, he/they looked happy, and I was glad that life was going on nicely.  I am one who sincerely wants nothing but happiness for my friends believe it or not.

The start of the event we had fun drumming and watch the hooping, fire twirling, spinning and such.  We walked around took pictures and then we started chatting.  I was starting to wonder when the dialog was going to start.  I guess we were sizing each other up a little.  I found her to be a pleasant and lovely woman.  I liked her and was glad my guy friend found her.  I was told about the summer fling, it was nice while it lasted but he was not what she wanted for anything long-term, and he let her know he was still seeing his ex-wife on the side.  He never ever truly left his ex-wife, and was going back to her again.  This was a bit of surprise to her, but when I heard it, it was no surprise to me. She asked about my relationship with him and how we broke up, and I let her know.  She had seen pictures, but he had told her we were only traveling buddies, companions and that we never had a real relationship. Wow, now that was a surprise to me…a big lie. I told exactly what we had.  I let her know that we saw each other about 3 to 4 times a week, and if not that we talked on the phone.  We even did spiritual/ministry work together,  I consider him my best male friend, and he had told me I was his best female friend.  We were as close as any couple could be except we never had sex. I did not tell her the reason he gave me on this. I even told her he proposed to me a couple times, which he did, but I turned him down.  I did share with her the reasons why for this.  We agreed on those reasons, because she saw a side of him that wasn’t appealing to her.  We women have good intuition if we just learn to use it.  What surprised me so is what he told about me. Like we were nothing to each other.  Why?…why lie…I said we had agreed to an open relationship, and to be honest with each other when we wanted to be with someone else, but I was never told that he was seeing his ex-wife all along either until his ex-wife told me.because she wanted to know about our relationship, so I told her. Well, the evening ended with us having more fun drumming and I thought that would be the end of it.  Simple….No it wasn’t.

On Sunday morning there was drama…When I saw the pictures posted from the group, a phrase came to mind about history sort of repeating itself for my guy friend.  I made a joking comment about it on my wall on FB.  I didn’t write any names about who I was talking about because I didn’t want to embarrass anyone, and I was not being malicious.  Hurt or harm is never my intent, I can’t help another reaction to anything I do. Peoples reactions are their own,  If they chose to let something fester or take their power I have no control, especially when the intent behind it is only good fun.  It turned out my guy friend took offense to what I said about similar circumstance of me and his new girlfriend, and how history seems to keeps repeating itself for him, and he went on the defensive.  Him and the now ex-girlfriend talked, and he emphasized that he and I never had anything, that I was nothing to him.  This was so nice to know, even though there is over 100 pictures, and I remember 2011 as being the summer of love and such.  Why the lies again I don’t know when everyone knows what went on that were close to both of us. Now he thinks I am  trying to cause trouble for him, no, I am just wondering about the lies. Why would I, who am nothing to you, want to cause trouble? I let her know I only want for his happiness and I wish nothing but the best for him and his wife.  His ex-girlfriend, she just wants for his happiness also.  There is no reason to lie or get defensive unless one is guilty about somethng.. Then one usually tells on themselves, and let the words have power over them by not letting it go but dwell on what they did.  If he would have just told the truth, taken responsibility for his own actions and been true to himself, he would not have had to go on the defensive.  The ex-girlfriend didn’t care so much about the relationship as much as the type of person I was, my character what people said about me.  She likes me as much as I like her and the lies told her, which I think tried to make me look bad, did the opposite. I hope I have found a new friend.         I myself will try not to lie for anyone.  I told the truth, but the truth can not be handled some times by others, so drama in sued for a bit.  I was then un-friended by my guy friend and blocked on FB.  His reasoning is that he is tired of the drama (of which he caused), and just wants to try to work things out with his wife again and move on.  I was not the one who invited me down to the southeast drum circle, nor the one to provided the ride down, I am not the one who told the lies. If I am or was never anything to this guy friend, then so be it.  I will let him live his life in his delusional world and keep repeating his history. with relationships.  He has to face his own Krama until he gets it right or rights his wrongs.  If things don’t change in this life, he will have to face it in the next.  Maybe this is why he went back to his ex-wife again.  Maybe he is trying to work on getting that right or corrected.  But whatever the case, I do wish him well and much happiness.

One should know that true happiness comes from the inside out, and from Spirit not from a person or any outside source.  No matter what has been done or said to and about me, I forgive, will be his friend and there if and when he needs me.  I believe in unconditional love and the way of the Peace Maker Jesus. This is who I try to be like.  I am not perfect, and I will never be, because I am human.  But one thing, I am not a victim, I don’t blame others for my mistakes and I hope to always take responsibility when I do wrong or harm.  I want anyone that may read this to know I had no maliciousness or mean intention when I shared my relationship with his ex-wife or his ex-girlfriend. So in this I take no responsibility on how it was taken by him.  Why it was taken the wrong way is within him.  I wish more people would look within themselves more instead of blaming others or making others the scape goat.  Right is right and Wrong is wrong.