Archive for September, 2012

A Little Better

September 14, 2012

Trying to take my Lemons and make lemon aid.  I did get my income under control, of what I have.  I do have at least enough right that will be coming in next month to get an apartment again.  It will pay for apartment, utilities, and that maybe about it.  I will have to look for a part time job in order to have gas in my car or do anything else.  I am going to try to work on me, my health.  I have given and given to where I just want to do me for a while.  I don’t want to shut myself up or a way, I have friends and family I want to inner act with, but I am going to cut back on the helping of others.  When I help, do a lot of good it seems to be taken for granted.  I can tell, because let one thing go wrong, back fire so to speak, and all my previous good is forgotten, and all any one wants to hart or dwell on is that one bad thing.  I am not perfect, I am no angel,  Things are going to go wrong from time to time.  But why try to make someone feel like a smuck for the one wrong incident, treat them like dirt?  Can’t one remember all the previous good?  The  help given?  The love?  I don’t know what is wrong with people in this day and age where they are so blinded.  Its like they are looking for drama.  Looking for evil and wrong so they can dwell and harp on it, stay in that place.  What happened to helping others and forgiving if someone does something wrong?  Loving in spite of ? This society is so backward.

I myself have decided to move forward.  I am going to love unconditionally.  I am tired of people being so conditional.  Example:  I love you, but if you make a mistake, I am not going to like you anymore and want you out of my life for a while.  Then seeing others wrongs, but not taking responsibility for their own or their part.  Its all a double standard.

I have started over many times on my own.  I am a survivor.  I live by faith.  I am going to love others regardless of how they treat me.  I will always be here for those I call friends.  I always want to be like or emulate the Peace Maker Jesus.

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Feeling Alone

September 12, 2012

Most of  my life I have tried to do good.  I have never hardly had an evil intent.  Where ever I go I try to shine a light, and do good.  I try to make where ever I am at a better place, or leave it better then when I found it.  I try to help others, I want to make their life better, even at the expense of my own betterment.  Sometimes I wonder about it all.  Why is it so hard for a good stable life to come to me?  Why can’t I have a home, a career, a family, or a good life?

It seems that every time I get in a good place where I think my life  is finally on track and I can start making some kind of plans, something happens to turn it all upside down.  Last September I lost my income and had to move from my apartment.  Now this September, something just happened and now I have to move again, to where I do not know, I don’t even have any money.  Something happened that is not really even my  fault.  I was trying to do good, a favor for some friends, but something bad happened.  Now all my good gone, up in smoke.  I can’t seem to get a break in this life.  Why do I even try to keep going, to live?  I just want to die sometimes.  I am tired of being poor, of not having a home, of not having some kind of regular career, or feeling like I have no people who love or care about me.  Sometimes I feel like I am so alone in this world.  I am homeless, jobless, and without proper funds or income right now.  I am not sure where I am going to go, or what I am going  to do next.  I am feeling all alone.  Right now at this moment I just want to die.  I am so tired.  I have no energy to do anything, or go anywhere.  I just want to die.  I just want to leave this present world.  Why is this life so conditional, people so conditional?  Something goes wrong, that is no ones fault, and life gets turned upside down.  I lose everything again.  I am the big loser…Where is my silver lining, my light, my rainbows end, my positive outcome?  Right now everything looks so dark.

What am I to do, where am I to go…I am just so physically and mentally tired.