Archive for February, 2011

The Cost of a Relationship (especially a longdistance one)

February 12, 2011

Last April I started seeing a guy that lives up near Cleveland, Ohio.  I have grown to care for this man very much.  He has many good qualities, among them is that he is loving, caring, kind, and not a bad lover.  He is tall, thin, strong, decent body, and he has a good wit and sense of humor.  This guy comes from a nice family, of which I have met 3 out of 6 siblings, and he himself has 2 children which are adults.  I can tell this man is well read, intelligent, and has a vast life’s experience.  Much has not gone his way, and in so he has many negative issues he is trying to workout.

I went into this friendship with my eyes wide open.  Knowing the situation.  This guy has not worked in over 2 years.  His excuse is that he is recovering from alcoholism and physical injury to his back.  I can see this is true.  I myself and his family have been encouraging him to try to move forward.  He lives with one of his brothers family, in their basement, but he wants him to move and get on his own asap.  He has been living with his brother for over 18 months, with the only income being $200 in food benefits a month.  Before this, he lived with a sister and her husband.  They encouraged him as best they could, but saw him getting too comfortable, so that’s when he moved in with another family member.  When we met, he wanted to move down to Columbus and in with me, but at the time I was living in a studio apartment.  There was no way.

As I got to know this man better, I learned the whys and where fores of his situation, and how he got to where he is.  It is because of bad choices in his life.  Every time he got to a place where he was doing fine, and having a normal life, some how he sabotaged it.  This is a pattern I have seen with many over and over in this life.  So being a good friend, I thought to try to stick with him.  I am not in the best of financial situations myself.  At the time of our meeting, I was on unemployment, food assistance, and the state was picking up my health insurance premium.  Since I started working part time in September, the state no longer picks up my premium, and I no longer get food assistance.  A reduction $320 in my monthly income.  I make $640/month at my part time job.  So I am only ahead by $320/by working.

I have been picking up the tab for our relationship.  I had been traveling to the Cleveland area at least once a month.  I rented cars, gas, gotten hotel rooms, and  I also have been paying for our food.  This cost me so far $800 total.  I have been the Man in this relationship.  I was always taught that a man takes care of the tab, but since my friend is not working, has not had a real steady job in over 2 years, then I was trying to be the good person.  I am finding it too hard for me to do.  My last trip was New Years weekend.  I made a vow to myself that I can’t do it anymore.  He will have to try to find a way to come down and see me, or pay for the visits himself.  As much as I care for him, like him, I can’t keep paying the tab.  It is not my place to do so anyway. My income is only about $1200.  I have rent, utilities, phone, health insurance, food, gas, and insurance for my car, and a couple credit cards to pay on.  I am barely taking care of myself, let alone trying to take care of another person.

This nice guy, is waiting on SSD to go through.  He is also getting ready to start a program through BVR which will help him get at least a part time job.  Things are moving forward for him.  I am praying positive things for his life.  I do care for him deeply.  I want the best for him.  When I did move to a one bedroom apartment, he hinted again about moving in with me.  His brother does want him out of his house so they can have their space back.  I don’t blame his brother, but I can’t have him come live with me until he has an income, at least the SSD.  Plus, I am not comfortable with a man I am not married to, or deeply in love with, living with me.  Just not a good idea.

I do want to continue seeing this guy, I want to continue being friends.  I really care for him a lot.  There is potential there for him to have a great life, if he wants it and puts the work into it.  I don’t see us getting married until he at least has some financial security, and gets his full healing of all that plagues him in his soul (mind, will, and emotions) and body.  This can happen if he turns everything in his life completely over to God and stop making excuses.  As I said in the beginning, he has great qualities.  He is a good person.  I just can’t keep footing the bill, not just the financial bill, but giving all the emotional and spiritual support also.  I need this from someone that is going to be my significant other, my spouse.  I need a person who is secure in not only finances, but spirit, soul and body.  I need my significant other, spouse, husband and lover to be “The Man.”  I just can’t do it all myself.