Losing My Father

November 3, 2018

I was born on November 12th 1963 to Clara and Ronald at Grant Hospital in Columbus, Ohio.  I don’t remember much about being a baby or even being a young child  What I do remember is a lot of times my father not being there.  My dad was gone a lot of the the time either for work or ministry.  When he was home there were times I remember him and my mother arguing, or fighting.  They would do it downstairs when they thought we were upstair asleep in our rooms, or they would do it in their room when we were out playing or they thought we weren’t in ear shot.  I say we, because of my older brother and sister.  They divorced when I was around 9 years old.

I can say my father,  his family were considered semiwealthy owning a good business and being of an upper class Black family in the late 60s, 70s, mid80s.  When my parents divorced my mother had to fight to get a little something a month to help with the bills.  She got $25/month for each of us.  We were so poor, that didn’t cover rent, food, utilities, etc. I remember her working 2 jobs and buying foodstamps in order to keep it together for us.  We had to go to school with old clothes.   My grandparents helped us when they could even though it was their sons job.  They told us of our inheritence, college funds set up, that we would not have to want too much to get us started in life…but after my grandmother Cona passed, and somewhere after in the late 80s to 90s after my grandfather got sick and began to  decline my stepmother kind of took over and I sort of lost my dad, everything, the business, our inheritance disappeared, the relationships all went downhill completely.  I watched as my father got further and further away from me as I and he got older.  The more I reached out, the more it seemed he was controlled and/or islollated from his biological children.

Through the years we watched as we were kicked out of the business our ideas which would have made it one of the top in the city put down… We watch as stepchildren went to college with what was our funds and we had to fund our education ourselves.  Watched as they drove our grandparents cars, lived in their house, wore their fine furs, jewelry, used their stuff that was our inheritance while we looked from the outside unable to do nothing, while my father did nothing to include us his biological family.  I watch stepsisters grow up, have families, children, my father know them, but not his own biological grandchildren, or greatgrandchildren.  It is sad, now about a month ago his wife passed away, and he is in the 1st stages of dimenta, he is living in Virgina with his stepdaughter, spending most of his day in a care facility, not with any of his biological children who do love and want him to live with them. His assets house, accounts are being managed by people not his biological family.  It is like we are dead to him and he to us, even though he says he loves us.  He has always said he loves us… so if he loves us, has always loved us…he has never really proven his love in action, in responsibility, in getting to know his family, children, grandchildren or greatgrandchildren.

How many men are in this world who fit this profile?  I am sure there are many and I am not alone to have a father like this.  I am getting ready to turn 55 years old and I want my father, but it is like he is dead already.  I am hating it.  I can’t even get close to him, have a meeting to see if it is really his choice, that he wants this… or was this pushed upon him by others… This is a hard thing.


Finding Out Thoughts about me.

January 14, 2017

Since 2013 when my mother died, I have felt alone. My mother was the life line of the family, the one that held everything together, who knew all the news, and kept us a family. In this life there are many changes.    I have family, yes, but they have their own families, and lives.  They don’t much care about me except to criticize my spiritual practices, the assignment God gave me to do.

Once upon a time in the world family used to matter.  Family would take care of each other from birth until death, but now in this day and age they could care less.  I found out just what is thought of about me, and how much my family loves me this past summer when I was homeless and sick.  I know I have loved and given of myself more to them then they to me.  It is sad, but that is the way it is. I am alone.  I feel alone.  I had my mother, now she is gone.  My father is still alive, he will be 80 years old on his next birthday, but he has  own wife and life. He has never really been in my life or seemed like the cared about me.   I did see my father at Christmas, and he is so frail now.  He can barely walk up and down stairs. I have offered to help him and my stepmother, but they have turned me down over and over.

My older sister lives outside Atlanta, Georgia, my younger Alexandria, Virginia, my little brother in Zanesville, Ohio and my older in Columbus.  We don’t talk.  One time we were a close loving family until moms passing.  Now nothing hardly in almost 4 years.  I wish they thought about me sometime.  I send out cards and wishes but don’t get much back in return.  I wish they knew how much I love and care for them.

I write because I know there maybe just someone else who is going through the same type of things in life I go through.  I do make it through.  I don’t just sit around and sulk, I get out and live life.  I have a guy friend.  It is an open relationship, we have been together for a year.  He sees others occasionally.  I could also, but have not found anyone I like.  Maybe soon as I  lose weight and gain confidence.  I have not gone out in a while, but I think I will be doing so again soon.  I need to mingle and meet more people.  I am living my life.


NO More Dieting

January 14, 2017

Most of my life I have been dieting.  I was born an 8 1/2 pound baby.  My mother used to joke saying I came out asking, “where was the groceries.”  I was always a healthy child with a belly.   In childhood I ate what was placed before me, I was told to eat because there were children in other parts of the world starving, etc, etc.  You know the drill.  Then yelled at or made fun of for being fat.  I was always seeing some dietitian, doctor, or therapist to see what was wrong with Cate, why is she fat and keeps gaining weight.  Well, I was growing also.

I grew into a 5’6 athletic person with a large frame.  I took dance, gymnastics, karate, played softball, volleyball,  was on a swim team, drill team/cheer squad, wrestled, and power lifted all in an effort to keep my weight down and body in shape through the years.

As I got older and arthritis started setting in, I was not in school any longer being active, but out in the work a day world, the weight came back on.  One day while doing construction work I got hurt.  While recovering I got to my highest weight of 445lbs.  I was paralyzed over most of my body for a time and it would take several years to recover (my late 20’s early 30’s).  I got depressed and put the weight on.  I had help from well meaning enablers too.  After recovering I got down to 230 pounds.  So in my late 30’s I was this weight.  I moved to NYC where one does a lot of walking and I was able to keep the weight off.  As I drew toward my mid 40’s arthritis once again got hold of my knees forcing me to get replacements, and before I could get left knee replaced the leg got crushed in an accident.  I got not just a knee, but metal rods put in the leg, and a replacement in the right.  My weight went up over 300lbs.  In 2009 and 2010 I got the operations. Full recovery was to be 2 years per leg. I decided to just try to eat right for my body type.

Last year 2016 I weighed in at about 335lbs my goal by 2017 was to lose 50 pounds and I did it. I am under 300lbs.  I did not diet.  I just tweaked a few things.  I eat a more plant based diet.  One can say that I eat a ayurveda/paleo style diet for my body type. I plan to lose another 50 this year if not more. I am very spiritual and listen to do what is right for my body by the spirit.  I do about 85/15 vegetable/animal intake. My body was not made to be vegan.  Sorry to you all who are.  Do you.  I will do what is right for me.

I don’t do a lot of denying myself stuff, but I don’t have daily bad eating habits either.  I have an occasional Pepsi or Coke, candy bar or donuts, but not daily.  Sugar is not the best thing for me because I am hypoglycemic.  Sugar causes my sugar to drop.  I need protein to maintain healthy blood sugar levels, so I must have a high protein, low simple carbohydrate intake.  I can have plenty of complex carbohydrates.  So what I am saying is learn what is right for you and your body, then you will start seeing results without dieting.  Get off the roller coaster, and get into life. Learn to eat to live, and enjoy what you eat.


Random free writing thoughs

September 5, 2013

I am getting ready to turn 50 in November.  My existence seems to have gone through several different stages along the way since birth.  Most of my thoughts and beliefs were shaped when a child by my parents and grandparents spiritual beliefs.  I was taught and told how to think even though I had my own thinking and thought pattern ingrained already in me.  I had to learn how to integrate the 2.  I am an old soul.  I have been here several life times before.  The 1st of what I can remember a merchant sailor, business man on the Mediterranean sea.  We I see stories of this era, I can so relate.  There are other time periods of which I relate of which I have had lives.  I want to write stories about them all.  I have been away from my writing for a long period of time, and also my reading.  I have been stuck.  Right now in this life things are moving slowly for me.  I am unemployed.  I am living off a very small income, my mother passed away in June and my car died.  Life happens.  It seems that when ever my life is on a good track, going well, something happen to impact it negatively.  I hate being used to this; expecting the unexpected.  Sometimes I see what others have, how their life is going, people I have known for a long time, and ask “Why can’t things go for me like it is for them.”  I have to accept my lot in life.

This is just random writing, random blogging, but at least I am writing.  Sometimes I feel so dumpy.  Like a big fat blob with no real prospects, or no life.  Sometimes I feel that it would be better if I were not in this life. then something positive happens after a drought of blah.  Well  I will find some subject to write about.  A good story, or quip.  Free writing, saying what is ever on ones mind, just letting the fingers flow over the keys.  This is what I am doing now.  So here I am, me.  Like it or not.

SoLFoL Closure

January 18, 2013

I have been waiting for some sign of closure to a relationship that started around April of 2011 and ended abruptly in November of the same year.  It has taken me on such a journey of emotions especially when I found out I was not the only one treated in the manner I was.  In order for me to find some closure all I wanted was an apology.  Plan and simple right?  Not so easy.  It wasn’t until my old friend hurt several people in simialr ways with his behavior did he come out with a public apology on FB. It wasn’t on an individual basis as some would have liked, but an apology to the masses of friends he hurt with his behavior is better then nothing.  I can see when the behavior was a lot of the times done in the public eye and also gossiped among common friends.  Here is said apology:

Dear Family and Friends, this feels like a good day to express gratitude to all of you. Despite my easy-going nature, I’m not an easy person to love or be friends with. I’m sort of herkyjerky about relationships, inconsistent in my attention to things and reinventing myself on a cyclical basis. I’m not sure I will ever change either, since this has been the pattern of my life since I arrived here. I’ve started ten times more projects that I have ever completed, moved more times that I can count and left in my wake some broken relationships, missed opportunities and burned bridges. Human life baffles me in general, and often I find that I have violated social etiquette or expectations after the fact. Honestly, I never intend to hurt anyone’s feeling but I know I have and for that I am sorry. It’s like I’ve been dropped into a foreign country and am muddling through until I get back home. But that’s not to excuse my behavior, many others may feel that way and do a much better job of coping than I. Really, this is just to say “Thank you and I love you” to my mother, father, sister and brother, to my dear Lxxxx and to you, my friends whom I call my “brothers and sisters”. I do appreciate you sticking with me. You make being here a joy and a learning experience, and if I have in any way touched your life for the better then it has made being human well worth the ride.  D.

I have waited since November of 2011 for an apology of some kind and now I have it.  I now have some kind of closure to this relationship and I feel peace.  It still doesn’t excuse the behavior, I still wish I could have punched, maimed or hurt him in some way physically, but then I would have lowered myself to his level.  It is finished and done with.  January of 2013.  Tiime to more forward.

A New Year of Changes

January 5, 2013

In this new year of 2013 I would like some changes to happen in my life.  I like always would like to lose weight and get healither.  I would also like to find and have a great lasting love relationship.  I would also like the friendships I have to be more meaningful and deep.

One thing I am doing to get things going is I have vowed to myself to eat healither.  I am going to try to add more fruits and vegetables to my diet.  Also there are home made drinks I can take daily in order to detox a bit.  I made a Lemon Flax drink:

1 cup of concentrated lemon juice

2 scoops of flax powder from Vitiman shop

1 packet of green food

4 cups of purified water (bottled or brita)

Sweenter, honey or agave to taste

Mix in a blender well, then pour into a pticher and refrigerate.  Shake or stir daily and drink 1cup before breakfast.  or it can be drank at night before bed.  Gives a full feeling plus helps to detox the body.  Full of vitiman C, potassium, omega 3.  Good body cleanser.


I will be developing recipes that are high protien, low carb and vegetarian, if not vegan.  I have friends that would like my recipes so I will try to make up a book of things that work for me and my body type.  I am anemic and hypoglycemic.  So I have to be on a special program.  I want to be a better me physically.  I do need to write more.   One shall see my progress as it comes.

Real Life on the Edge, vs. The Fiscal Cliff

December 9, 2012

As the politicitions talk about the Fiscal Cliff, I wish I could get them to try to live like me and so many others who survive on less then $1000 a month. I survive by Faith and Grace. I know it is not the government who takes care of me and makes living possible it is God.
Since leaving NYC I have not been able to find a decent job. The one I did manage to find at Giant Eagle for 8 month had

me in so much pain, because the supervisor refused to comply with my hourly disability standing limitations, to where I went on medical leave and did not go back. Then in Sepetember of 2011, SSD decided to take away the little income they gave me with no explanation and I had to move in with friends until I was able to get it starighten, and get an apartment again this October.
How I am able to make it, is by the Grace of God.
He has graced me with good friends who still help me out, or let me help them so I can pay for food, and have a little pocket money. I have problems with my back, hands, and legs to where working full time is not an option. I will be looking for a permanent part time job after the 1st of the year, to help my income. More then likely I will try to go through a service that helps those with disabilities. As you all know Miss Positive doesn’t harp on her disabilities. You all mostly see my happy, up, friend, minister and counselor side. That dark side is there, I spend time with the Lord in meditation and prayer to keep it at bay.
Even though I don’t have much, I am glad that I am able to give little gifts and time to friends and family. I do feel blessed in spite of the circumstances. I don’t live above my means, but I do live above my circumstance. I am so Grateful.

SoLFoL Carried Over

October 22, 2012

This past summer I spent out of town thinking on what I wanted to do and where I belonged after going through so much hell and sickness last Fall through March.  I have finally gotten healed, and put the past losses behind me.  One down side of not being in my home state is that I missed the summer camping trips and drum circles with my friends. It was OK because I was doing meaningful ministry work with a group in WV and I was where I was supposed to be at the time.  Well, the guy that I was with all last summer who dumped me to go back to his ex-wife, then left her again after a few months of being back together, started a new friendship with a woman from one of the southeastern circles.  I thought this to be great.  I was glad he was finding happiness again.  We had put aside our differences, and were trying to be cordial, even friends again because we have some of the same friends.  I chose to love him as a brother and friend, since it didn’t workout the other way.  I was still upset within my core about the past, but was trying to leave the past in the past.  Sometimes hurt just doesn’t go away right away, it can take a bit of time, and I refused to be a victim and dwell on it.

This past Saturday I was invited down to the southeastern drum circle by my old guy friends girlfriend.  She even got another mutual friend to drive me down there.  The pretension was a night of drumming and fun, but I knew something else might be in this also..  Before I went I talked with another friend about going. We discussed what I might be in for and I figured as much.  She kind of wanted to know about my relationship with our now mutual guy friend.  I was also a bit curious about hr and their relationship also, because I know he had been down there all summer and by the pictures I had seen, he/they looked happy, and I was glad that life was going on nicely.  I am one who sincerely wants nothing but happiness for my friends believe it or not.

The start of the event we had fun drumming and watch the hooping, fire twirling, spinning and such.  We walked around took pictures and then we started chatting.  I was starting to wonder when the dialog was going to start.  I guess we were sizing each other up a little.  I found her to be a pleasant and lovely woman.  I liked her and was glad my guy friend found her.  I was told about the summer fling, it was nice while it lasted but he was not what she wanted for anything long-term, and he let her know he was still seeing his ex-wife on the side.  He never ever truly left his ex-wife, and was going back to her again.  This was a bit of surprise to her, but when I heard it, it was no surprise to me. She asked about my relationship with him and how we broke up, and I let her know.  She had seen pictures, but he had told her we were only traveling buddies, companions and that we never had a real relationship. Wow, now that was a surprise to me…a big lie. I told exactly what we had.  I let her know that we saw each other about 3 to 4 times a week, and if not that we talked on the phone.  We even did spiritual/ministry work together,  I consider him my best male friend, and he had told me I was his best female friend.  We were as close as any couple could be except we never had sex. I did not tell her the reason he gave me on this. I even told her he proposed to me a couple times, which he did, but I turned him down.  I did share with her the reasons why for this.  We agreed on those reasons, because she saw a side of him that wasn’t appealing to her.  We women have good intuition if we just learn to use it.  What surprised me so is what he told about me. Like we were nothing to each other.  Why?…why lie…I said we had agreed to an open relationship, and to be honest with each other when we wanted to be with someone else, but I was never told that he was seeing his ex-wife all along either until his ex-wife told me.because she wanted to know about our relationship, so I told her. Well, the evening ended with us having more fun drumming and I thought that would be the end of it.  Simple….No it wasn’t.

On Sunday morning there was drama…When I saw the pictures posted from the group, a phrase came to mind about history sort of repeating itself for my guy friend.  I made a joking comment about it on my wall on FB.  I didn’t write any names about who I was talking about because I didn’t want to embarrass anyone, and I was not being malicious.  Hurt or harm is never my intent, I can’t help another reaction to anything I do. Peoples reactions are their own,  If they chose to let something fester or take their power I have no control, especially when the intent behind it is only good fun.  It turned out my guy friend took offense to what I said about similar circumstance of me and his new girlfriend, and how history seems to keeps repeating itself for him, and he went on the defensive.  Him and the now ex-girlfriend talked, and he emphasized that he and I never had anything, that I was nothing to him.  This was so nice to know, even though there is over 100 pictures, and I remember 2011 as being the summer of love and such.  Why the lies again I don’t know when everyone knows what went on that were close to both of us. Now he thinks I am  trying to cause trouble for him, no, I am just wondering about the lies. Why would I, who am nothing to you, want to cause trouble? I let her know I only want for his happiness and I wish nothing but the best for him and his wife.  His ex-girlfriend, she just wants for his happiness also.  There is no reason to lie or get defensive unless one is guilty about somethng.. Then one usually tells on themselves, and let the words have power over them by not letting it go but dwell on what they did.  If he would have just told the truth, taken responsibility for his own actions and been true to himself, he would not have had to go on the defensive.  The ex-girlfriend didn’t care so much about the relationship as much as the type of person I was, my character what people said about me.  She likes me as much as I like her and the lies told her, which I think tried to make me look bad, did the opposite. I hope I have found a new friend.         I myself will try not to lie for anyone.  I told the truth, but the truth can not be handled some times by others, so drama in sued for a bit.  I was then un-friended by my guy friend and blocked on FB.  His reasoning is that he is tired of the drama (of which he caused), and just wants to try to work things out with his wife again and move on.  I was not the one who invited me down to the southeast drum circle, nor the one to provided the ride down, I am not the one who told the lies. If I am or was never anything to this guy friend, then so be it.  I will let him live his life in his delusional world and keep repeating his history. with relationships.  He has to face his own Krama until he gets it right or rights his wrongs.  If things don’t change in this life, he will have to face it in the next.  Maybe this is why he went back to his ex-wife again.  Maybe he is trying to work on getting that right or corrected.  But whatever the case, I do wish him well and much happiness.

One should know that true happiness comes from the inside out, and from Spirit not from a person or any outside source.  No matter what has been done or said to and about me, I forgive, will be his friend and there if and when he needs me.  I believe in unconditional love and the way of the Peace Maker Jesus. This is who I try to be like.  I am not perfect, and I will never be, because I am human.  But one thing, I am not a victim, I don’t blame others for my mistakes and I hope to always take responsibility when I do wrong or harm.  I want anyone that may read this to know I had no maliciousness or mean intention when I shared my relationship with his ex-wife or his ex-girlfriend. So in this I take no responsibility on how it was taken by him.  Why it was taken the wrong way is within him.  I wish more people would look within themselves more instead of blaming others or making others the scape goat.  Right is right and Wrong is wrong.

A Little Better

September 14, 2012

Trying to take my Lemons and make lemon aid.  I did get my income under control, of what I have.  I do have at least enough right that will be coming in next month to get an apartment again.  It will pay for apartment, utilities, and that maybe about it.  I will have to look for a part time job in order to have gas in my car or do anything else.  I am going to try to work on me, my health.  I have given and given to where I just want to do me for a while.  I don’t want to shut myself up or a way, I have friends and family I want to inner act with, but I am going to cut back on the helping of others.  When I help, do a lot of good it seems to be taken for granted.  I can tell, because let one thing go wrong, back fire so to speak, and all my previous good is forgotten, and all any one wants to hart or dwell on is that one bad thing.  I am not perfect, I am no angel,  Things are going to go wrong from time to time.  But why try to make someone feel like a smuck for the one wrong incident, treat them like dirt?  Can’t one remember all the previous good?  The  help given?  The love?  I don’t know what is wrong with people in this day and age where they are so blinded.  Its like they are looking for drama.  Looking for evil and wrong so they can dwell and harp on it, stay in that place.  What happened to helping others and forgiving if someone does something wrong?  Loving in spite of ? This society is so backward.

I myself have decided to move forward.  I am going to love unconditionally.  I am tired of people being so conditional.  Example:  I love you, but if you make a mistake, I am not going to like you anymore and want you out of my life for a while.  Then seeing others wrongs, but not taking responsibility for their own or their part.  Its all a double standard.

I have started over many times on my own.  I am a survivor.  I live by faith.  I am going to love others regardless of how they treat me.  I will always be here for those I call friends.  I always want to be like or emulate the Peace Maker Jesus.

Feeling Alone

September 12, 2012

Most of  my life I have tried to do good.  I have never hardly had an evil intent.  Where ever I go I try to shine a light, and do good.  I try to make where ever I am at a better place, or leave it better then when I found it.  I try to help others, I want to make their life better, even at the expense of my own betterment.  Sometimes I wonder about it all.  Why is it so hard for a good stable life to come to me?  Why can’t I have a home, a career, a family, or a good life?

It seems that every time I get in a good place where I think my life  is finally on track and I can start making some kind of plans, something happens to turn it all upside down.  Last September I lost my income and had to move from my apartment.  Now this September, something just happened and now I have to move again, to where I do not know, I don’t even have any money.  Something happened that is not really even my  fault.  I was trying to do good, a favor for some friends, but something bad happened.  Now all my good gone, up in smoke.  I can’t seem to get a break in this life.  Why do I even try to keep going, to live?  I just want to die sometimes.  I am tired of being poor, of not having a home, of not having some kind of regular career, or feeling like I have no people who love or care about me.  Sometimes I feel like I am so alone in this world.  I am homeless, jobless, and without proper funds or income right now.  I am not sure where I am going to go, or what I am going  to do next.  I am feeling all alone.  Right now at this moment I just want to die.  I am so tired.  I have no energy to do anything, or go anywhere.  I just want to die.  I just want to leave this present world.  Why is this life so conditional, people so conditional?  Something goes wrong, that is no ones fault, and life gets turned upside down.  I lose everything again.  I am the big loser…Where is my silver lining, my light, my rainbows end, my positive outcome?  Right now everything looks so dark.

What am I to do, where am I to go…I am just so physically and mentally tired.