Random free writing thoughs

September 5, 2013

I am getting ready to turn 50 in November.  My existence seems to have gone through several different stages along the way since birth.  Most of my thoughts and beliefs were shaped when a child by my parents and grandparents spiritual beliefs.  I was taught and told how to think even though I had my own thinking and thought pattern ingrained already in me.  I had to learn how to integrate the 2.  I am an old soul.  I have been here several life times before.  The 1st of what I can remember a merchant sailor, business man on the Mediterranean sea.  We I see stories of this era, I can so relate.  There are other time periods of which I relate of which I have had lives.  I want to write stories about them all.  I have been away from my writing for a long period of time, and also my reading.  I have been stuck.  Right now in this life things are moving slowly for me.  I am unemployed.  I am living off a very small income, my mother passed away in June and my car died.  Life happens.  It seems that when ever my life is on a good track, going well, something happen to impact it negatively.  I hate being used to this; expecting the unexpected.  Sometimes I see what others have, how their life is going, people I have known for a long time, and ask “Why can’t things go for me like it is for them.”  I have to accept my lot in life.

This is just random writing, random blogging, but at least I am writing.  Sometimes I feel so dumpy.  Like a big fat blob with no real prospects, or no life.  Sometimes I feel that it would be better if I were not in this life. then something positive happens after a drought of blah.  Well  I will find some subject to write about.  A good story, or quip.  Free writing, saying what is ever on ones mind, just letting the fingers flow over the keys.  This is what I am doing now.  So here I am, me.  Like it or not.

SoLFoL Closure

January 18, 2013

I have been waiting for some sign of closure to a relationship that started around April of 2011 and ended abruptly in November of the same year.  It has taken me on such a journey of emotions especially when I found out I was not the only one treated in the manner I was.  In order for me to find some closure all I wanted was an apology.  Plan and simple right?  Not so easy.  It wasn’t until my old friend hurt several people in simialr ways with his behavior did he come out with a public apology on FB. It wasn’t on an individual basis as some would have liked, but an apology to the masses of friends he hurt with his behavior is better then nothing.  I can see when the behavior was a lot of the times done in the public eye and also gossiped among common friends.  Here is said apology:

Dear Family and Friends, this feels like a good day to express gratitude to all of you. Despite my easy-going nature, I’m not an easy person to love or be friends with. I’m sort of herkyjerky about relationships, inconsistent in my attention to things and reinventing myself on a cyclical basis. I’m not sure I will ever change either, since this has been the pattern of my life since I arrived here. I’ve started ten times more projects that I have ever completed, moved more times that I can count and left in my wake some broken relationships, missed opportunities and burned bridges. Human life baffles me in general, and often I find that I have violated social etiquette or expectations after the fact. Honestly, I never intend to hurt anyone’s feeling but I know I have and for that I am sorry. It’s like I’ve been dropped into a foreign country and am muddling through until I get back home. But that’s not to excuse my behavior, many others may feel that way and do a much better job of coping than I. Really, this is just to say “Thank you and I love you” to my mother, father, sister and brother, to my dear Lxxxx and to you, my friends whom I call my “brothers and sisters”. I do appreciate you sticking with me. You make being here a joy and a learning experience, and if I have in any way touched your life for the better then it has made being human well worth the ride.  D.

I have waited since November of 2011 for an apology of some kind and now I have it.  I now have some kind of closure to this relationship and I feel peace.  It still doesn’t excuse the behavior, I still wish I could have punched, maimed or hurt him in some way physically, but then I would have lowered myself to his level.  It is finished and done with.  January of 2013.  Tiime to more forward.

A New Year of Changes

January 5, 2013

In this new year of 2013 I would like some changes to happen in my life.  I like always would like to lose weight and get healither.  I would also like to find and have a great lasting love relationship.  I would also like the friendships I have to be more meaningful and deep.

One thing I am doing to get things going is I have vowed to myself to eat healither.  I am going to try to add more fruits and vegetables to my diet.  Also there are home made drinks I can take daily in order to detox a bit.  I made a Lemon Flax drink:

1 cup of concentrated lemon juice

2 scoops of flax powder from Vitiman shop

1 packet of green food

4 cups of purified water (bottled or brita)

Sweenter, honey or agave to taste

Mix in a blender well, then pour into a pticher and refrigerate.  Shake or stir daily and drink 1cup before breakfast.  or it can be drank at night before bed.  Gives a full feeling plus helps to detox the body.  Full of vitiman C, potassium, omega 3.  Good body cleanser.

 

I will be developing recipes that are high protien, low carb and vegetarian, if not vegan.  I have friends that would like my recipes so I will try to make up a book of things that work for me and my body type.  I am anemic and hypoglycemic.  So I have to be on a special program.  I want to be a better me physically.  I do need to write more.   One shall see my progress as it comes.

Real Life on the Edge, vs. The Fiscal Cliff

December 9, 2012

As the politicitions talk about the Fiscal Cliff, I wish I could get them to try to live like me and so many others who survive on less then $1000 a month. I survive by Faith and Grace. I know it is not the government who takes care of me and makes living possible it is God.
Since leaving NYC I have not been able to find a decent job. The one I did manage to find at Giant Eagle for 8 month had

me in so much pain, because the supervisor refused to comply with my hourly disability standing limitations, to where I went on medical leave and did not go back. Then in Sepetember of 2011, SSD decided to take away the little income they gave me with no explanation and I had to move in with friends until I was able to get it starighten, and get an apartment again this October.
How I am able to make it, is by the Grace of God.
He has graced me with good friends who still help me out, or let me help them so I can pay for food, and have a little pocket money. I have problems with my back, hands, and legs to where working full time is not an option. I will be looking for a permanent part time job after the 1st of the year, to help my income. More then likely I will try to go through a service that helps those with disabilities. As you all know Miss Positive doesn’t harp on her disabilities. You all mostly see my happy, up, friend, minister and counselor side. That dark side is there, I spend time with the Lord in meditation and prayer to keep it at bay.
Even though I don’t have much, I am glad that I am able to give little gifts and time to friends and family. I do feel blessed in spite of the circumstances. I don’t live above my means, but I do live above my circumstance. I am so Grateful.

SoLFoL Carried Over

October 22, 2012

This past summer I spent out of town thinking on what I wanted to do and where I belonged after going through so much hell and sickness last Fall through March.  I have finally gotten healed, and put the past losses behind me.  One down side of not being in my home state is that I missed the summer camping trips and drum circles with my friends. It was OK because I was doing meaningful ministry work with a group in WV and I was where I was supposed to be at the time.  Well, the guy that I was with all last summer who dumped me to go back to his ex-wife, then left her again after a few months of being back together, started a new friendship with a woman from one of the southeastern circles.  I thought this to be great.  I was glad he was finding happiness again.  We had put aside our differences, and were trying to be cordial, even friends again because we have some of the same friends.  I chose to love him as a brother and friend, since it didn’t workout the other way.  I was still upset within my core about the past, but was trying to leave the past in the past.  Sometimes hurt just doesn’t go away right away, it can take a bit of time, and I refused to be a victim and dwell on it.

This past Saturday I was invited down to the southeastern drum circle by my old guy friends girlfriend.  She even got another mutual friend to drive me down there.  The pretension was a night of drumming and fun, but I knew something else might be in this also..  Before I went I talked with another friend about going. We discussed what I might be in for and I figured as much.  She kind of wanted to know about my relationship with our now mutual guy friend.  I was also a bit curious about hr and their relationship also, because I know he had been down there all summer and by the pictures I had seen, he/they looked happy, and I was glad that life was going on nicely.  I am one who sincerely wants nothing but happiness for my friends believe it or not.

The start of the event we had fun drumming and watch the hooping, fire twirling, spinning and such.  We walked around took pictures and then we started chatting.  I was starting to wonder when the dialog was going to start.  I guess we were sizing each other up a little.  I found her to be a pleasant and lovely woman.  I liked her and was glad my guy friend found her.  I was told about the summer fling, it was nice while it lasted but he was not what she wanted for anything long-term, and he let her know he was still seeing his ex-wife on the side.  He never ever truly left his ex-wife, and was going back to her again.  This was a bit of surprise to her, but when I heard it, it was no surprise to me. She asked about my relationship with him and how we broke up, and I let her know.  She had seen pictures, but he had told her we were only traveling buddies, companions and that we never had a real relationship. Wow, now that was a surprise to me…a big lie. I told exactly what we had.  I let her know that we saw each other about 3 to 4 times a week, and if not that we talked on the phone.  We even did spiritual/ministry work together,  I consider him my best male friend, and he had told me I was his best female friend.  We were as close as any couple could be except we never had sex. I did not tell her the reason he gave me on this. I even told her he proposed to me a couple times, which he did, but I turned him down.  I did share with her the reasons why for this.  We agreed on those reasons, because she saw a side of him that wasn’t appealing to her.  We women have good intuition if we just learn to use it.  What surprised me so is what he told about me. Like we were nothing to each other.  Why?…why lie…I said we had agreed to an open relationship, and to be honest with each other when we wanted to be with someone else, but I was never told that he was seeing his ex-wife all along either until his ex-wife told me.because she wanted to know about our relationship, so I told her. Well, the evening ended with us having more fun drumming and I thought that would be the end of it.  Simple….No it wasn’t.

On Sunday morning there was drama…When I saw the pictures posted from the group, a phrase came to mind about history sort of repeating itself for my guy friend.  I made a joking comment about it on my wall on FB.  I didn’t write any names about who I was talking about because I didn’t want to embarrass anyone, and I was not being malicious.  Hurt or harm is never my intent, I can’t help another reaction to anything I do. Peoples reactions are their own,  If they chose to let something fester or take their power I have no control, especially when the intent behind it is only good fun.  It turned out my guy friend took offense to what I said about similar circumstance of me and his new girlfriend, and how history seems to keeps repeating itself for him, and he went on the defensive.  Him and the now ex-girlfriend talked, and he emphasized that he and I never had anything, that I was nothing to him.  This was so nice to know, even though there is over 100 pictures, and I remember 2011 as being the summer of love and such.  Why the lies again I don’t know when everyone knows what went on that were close to both of us. Now he thinks I am  trying to cause trouble for him, no, I am just wondering about the lies. Why would I, who am nothing to you, want to cause trouble? I let her know I only want for his happiness and I wish nothing but the best for him and his wife.  His ex-girlfriend, she just wants for his happiness also.  There is no reason to lie or get defensive unless one is guilty about somethng.. Then one usually tells on themselves, and let the words have power over them by not letting it go but dwell on what they did.  If he would have just told the truth, taken responsibility for his own actions and been true to himself, he would not have had to go on the defensive.  The ex-girlfriend didn’t care so much about the relationship as much as the type of person I was, my character what people said about me.  She likes me as much as I like her and the lies told her, which I think tried to make me look bad, did the opposite. I hope I have found a new friend.         I myself will try not to lie for anyone.  I told the truth, but the truth can not be handled some times by others, so drama in sued for a bit.  I was then un-friended by my guy friend and blocked on FB.  His reasoning is that he is tired of the drama (of which he caused), and just wants to try to work things out with his wife again and move on.  I was not the one who invited me down to the southeast drum circle, nor the one to provided the ride down, I am not the one who told the lies. If I am or was never anything to this guy friend, then so be it.  I will let him live his life in his delusional world and keep repeating his history. with relationships.  He has to face his own Krama until he gets it right or rights his wrongs.  If things don’t change in this life, he will have to face it in the next.  Maybe this is why he went back to his ex-wife again.  Maybe he is trying to work on getting that right or corrected.  But whatever the case, I do wish him well and much happiness.

One should know that true happiness comes from the inside out, and from Spirit not from a person or any outside source.  No matter what has been done or said to and about me, I forgive, will be his friend and there if and when he needs me.  I believe in unconditional love and the way of the Peace Maker Jesus. This is who I try to be like.  I am not perfect, and I will never be, because I am human.  But one thing, I am not a victim, I don’t blame others for my mistakes and I hope to always take responsibility when I do wrong or harm.  I want anyone that may read this to know I had no maliciousness or mean intention when I shared my relationship with his ex-wife or his ex-girlfriend. So in this I take no responsibility on how it was taken by him.  Why it was taken the wrong way is within him.  I wish more people would look within themselves more instead of blaming others or making others the scape goat.  Right is right and Wrong is wrong.

A Little Better

September 14, 2012

Trying to take my Lemons and make lemon aid.  I did get my income under control, of what I have.  I do have at least enough right that will be coming in next month to get an apartment again.  It will pay for apartment, utilities, and that maybe about it.  I will have to look for a part time job in order to have gas in my car or do anything else.  I am going to try to work on me, my health.  I have given and given to where I just want to do me for a while.  I don’t want to shut myself up or a way, I have friends and family I want to inner act with, but I am going to cut back on the helping of others.  When I help, do a lot of good it seems to be taken for granted.  I can tell, because let one thing go wrong, back fire so to speak, and all my previous good is forgotten, and all any one wants to hart or dwell on is that one bad thing.  I am not perfect, I am no angel,  Things are going to go wrong from time to time.  But why try to make someone feel like a smuck for the one wrong incident, treat them like dirt?  Can’t one remember all the previous good?  The  help given?  The love?  I don’t know what is wrong with people in this day and age where they are so blinded.  Its like they are looking for drama.  Looking for evil and wrong so they can dwell and harp on it, stay in that place.  What happened to helping others and forgiving if someone does something wrong?  Loving in spite of ? This society is so backward.

I myself have decided to move forward.  I am going to love unconditionally.  I am tired of people being so conditional.  Example:  I love you, but if you make a mistake, I am not going to like you anymore and want you out of my life for a while.  Then seeing others wrongs, but not taking responsibility for their own or their part.  Its all a double standard.

I have started over many times on my own.  I am a survivor.  I live by faith.  I am going to love others regardless of how they treat me.  I will always be here for those I call friends.  I always want to be like or emulate the Peace Maker Jesus.

Feeling Alone

September 12, 2012

Most of  my life I have tried to do good.  I have never hardly had an evil intent.  Where ever I go I try to shine a light, and do good.  I try to make where ever I am at a better place, or leave it better then when I found it.  I try to help others, I want to make their life better, even at the expense of my own betterment.  Sometimes I wonder about it all.  Why is it so hard for a good stable life to come to me?  Why can’t I have a home, a career, a family, or a good life?

It seems that every time I get in a good place where I think my life  is finally on track and I can start making some kind of plans, something happens to turn it all upside down.  Last September I lost my income and had to move from my apartment.  Now this September, something just happened and now I have to move again, to where I do not know, I don’t even have any money.  Something happened that is not really even my  fault.  I was trying to do good, a favor for some friends, but something bad happened.  Now all my good gone, up in smoke.  I can’t seem to get a break in this life.  Why do I even try to keep going, to live?  I just want to die sometimes.  I am tired of being poor, of not having a home, of not having some kind of regular career, or feeling like I have no people who love or care about me.  Sometimes I feel like I am so alone in this world.  I am homeless, jobless, and without proper funds or income right now.  I am not sure where I am going to go, or what I am going  to do next.  I am feeling all alone.  Right now at this moment I just want to die.  I am so tired.  I have no energy to do anything, or go anywhere.  I just want to die.  I just want to leave this present world.  Why is this life so conditional, people so conditional?  Something goes wrong, that is no ones fault, and life gets turned upside down.  I lose everything again.  I am the big loser…Where is my silver lining, my light, my rainbows end, my positive outcome?  Right now everything looks so dark.

What am I to do, where am I to go…I am just so physically and mentally tired.

New Season

April 24, 2012

Spring 2012 is a new season in my life.  I am trying to move forward from some devastating things that happened between September of 2011 to January of 2012.

One thing I can say is that I am a survivor.  Not much keeps me down or bound.  If something happens that is negative, I try at all cost to pick myself up as soon as possible and move forward.  It is not hard, but from lessons learned in the past, it is the best thing for me to do.  Way back in the past, I have gone to the dark place, let myself be drugged by doctors, and stayed for long periods of time.  I find it is not worth it.  I have not been in that dark place since the late 1990′s.  I have tried to stay in more positive side and in the light places.  I am in control, and the captain of my own destiny.  I keep my own power, not letting others rule, or take control of me.  I am the product of my own choices.

It is Spring 2012.  I am gardening with friend from my Nemenhah chapter of Condor Eagle  in Southeast Ohio, not to far from Columbus.  Its a 20 minute ride down RT. 62.  I am loving it and it is healing to me.  I am also fellow shipping with ISKCON:  The International Society for Krishna Consciousness and I am enjoying it.  The people, devotees are so nice.  I love the way they worship God.  They are not stuffy, arrogant, snobbish, judgmental, or harp on how one looks.  It is such a breath of fresh air from the Christian church.   I help cook from time to time for pershadom, or the vegetarian feasts.

I am trying to work out my path for the year to come.  Only the Father knows what it is truly to be and I am praying he leads the way.  The Mother Shehkina, Holy Spirit nurtures and guides me.  The Son, Jesus teaches me love and treatment of others.  I am truly blessed.

After what has happened in the recent past, part of me just wanted to give up, go hide and just let life pass me by.  I know better.  After hearing of my resilience and strength of which I didn’t know others were watching so closely, I had actually blessed and helped others be strong by my Faith, actions and reactions during that period.    It is only by the Grace of God, I got through it a little battle scared, but no worse for wear.  One thing, I had good friends, especially my bff Mel.  Without her patience and help, and God speaking to her, I would not have been so strong.  She is my Angel.  I do not know if she knows just how much I appreciate her.  I feel so blessed to have a friend like her.

I am working on me.  I have to reduce my weight.  I have to strengthen my Spirit.  I need physical strength.  I need to get some writing and other work done.  I am moving forward.  My life is getting better.  I am going to do and receive good things.  I am going into higher realms.  I do love life.  Nameste

I Need A New Church

April 4, 2012

Last summer I got ostracized from my church of almost 20yrs after starting seminary with the Council of Native American Churches and dropping out of their bible school.  I also looked into the ancient Vedic scriptures and teachings, which are older then the bible.  I tried to get an appointment with my Pastor, but he would not sit down to talk with me.  This was very Christ like of him….NOT!  I do have 2 ministry organizations that I work and associate with, but not a set Christian church I am a part of right now.  So I am seeking.  I find that my ministry and knowledge are being enhanced, and I am a better witness for God, knowing how others praise and worship.  I feel enhanced, not lead astray, like some think.  I am out of the box.  I can associate with East Indians, Native Americans, Islam, and other religions by knowing and learning of them…we all worship the same main God.  This takes nothing away from the teachings of Jesus, but these religions teach about Jesus and tell their people to also follow his teachings.  People are scared of learning this for some odd reason.

I am now seeking a church.  I am not a hypocrite, to where I just go because its what to do on Sundays.  I go when I feel I need to go in my spirit.  If I don’t feel like going, I don’t.  It is draining to go and be bored or go and not really want to be there.  How many people are sitting in churches Sunday, after Sunday and the hearts and minds are someplace else?  Another thing, I don’t believe one should always give money to the churches.  Tithes and offerings can be given elsewhere, and into things one feels in their spirit, their heart, they should place the funds.  I give to my ministry organizations, that I work with.  Is this wrong?  Only God can judge this.  I do not want to feel that I am giving because some man on a platform keeps drilling into the people week after week on doing so.  We can all read the word for ourselves I know for one, I don’t need to be reminded constantly.  After a while, you see on peoples faces in the pews or seats, “Oh No, he is going to give a mini-sermon on tithes and offerings.”  One can see the countenances go down.  Those that are smiling are putting on their best holy fake smile.  I am tired of going through this.  So if any one knows of a good, genuine, non-judgmental, non-denominational, full-gospel church in Central Ohio, by all means let me know.  One I don’t have to dress up at or feel I am in a fashion show, or break out my best college theological brain.  I just want some good positive word, a good based to where I can come and go as I please, and not some mega money church either.  I love a simple, sweet, essence of the word.  No pressures, no judgements.  Also a good praise and worship service would be nice also.

OnWard

March 22, 2012

I have been moving forward.  One has to start somewhere.  Everyday is a new day.  In late Fall I had a blow that lead to the flu, then after that I was physically sick and heart broken until February. It was like everything that could go wrong in my life did.  But, by the grace of God, I got through it. 

Now Spring is here and I am moving forward into a new place in my life.  Some things are here for a season and some for a reason.  I have seen some visions of my past lives and I know why things have happened in my life at the present.  I am not sad or mad, but somewhat content.  I know why things have happened the way they did.  And now I can get on with the good things that are coming.  I have been stagnant for a while, but it is time to get a move on and live.  There is a lot of life out there to live.


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